Ways to Annoy Charlie
by CrankyFrenchLady88
Summary: Emmett gets bored one day, and gets the entire Cullen family to make a list of ways to annoy Charlie. They decide to follow the list and get the wolves in on it too. Set after Breaking Dawn.
1. Emmett's Idea

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Cops, or Charlie the Unicorn. Other people who are not me do (sigh). **

**Chapter 1**

**Emmett POV**

I'm bored. It's sunny out, so I'm stuck, in the house. Carlisle is busy in his study, Esme is cleaning, Edward is with Bella and Renesmee at their cottage, Rosalie is mad at me and has locked me out of our room, and Jasper is being restrained by Alice because he wants to avenge the Confederacy. I'm so alone! Hmmmmm…what to do…I've got it! I went into the living room.

"Everyone! I have a brilliant idea!" I exclaimed.

They all came down with annoyed looks on their faces.

"What?" I asked.

"Emmett, the last time you had a 'brilliant idea' you started a second world war." said Esme.

"What, it's not my fault I was talking with some German leaders about how unfair the Treaty of Versailles was to them, and how they could join with Japan and exact revenge." I argued.

"Your ideas go wildly out of control. That plan was originally to get German pen pals. Instead, you threw the United States plus our other allies into a war against Germany and Japan." stated Jasper.

"But this one is much simpler." I said.

"Alice, what do you think of this?' asked Carlisle.

"I don't know. I can't see anything. It seems that he is planning to involve the wolves." said Alice.

"What is your plan?" asked Rosalie.

"I want to make a list of ways to annoy Charlie and then do them." I replied.

Everyone was silent for a moment. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea to tell them…

All of a sudden Alice shouted:

"That's brilliant!"

"Huh?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"We're all bored as heck, and stuck in the house. We need something to do. Annoying Charlie would be so much fun!"

"Well, we all could use a good laugh." said Carlisle.

"And I could always clean later." added Esme.

"I'll postpone avenging the Confederacy." said Jasper.

"I guess I could forgive you for breaking my mirror.'" sighed Rosalie.

"Great! I'll call Edward and Bella." stated Alice.

Once Edward, Bella, and Renesmee arrived, we began our list.

**Ways to Annoy Charlie**

_**Ask if he is secretly a unicorn.**_

_**Tell him Edward wears body glitter**_

_**Make Jacob tell him that he fell in love with Renesmee and is going to marry her in a few years**_

_**Every time he walks into a room, play the Cops theme song.**_

_**Have Emmett dress up as the Hamburglar, have him try to rob McDonald's and have Charlie come to arrest him**_

_**Hand cuff him to Mike Newton for a day, then "accidentally" lose the keys.**_

_**Tease him about how when Jacob had to undress to turn into a werewolf. Tell him that you know he liked it. Then tell him that you're sorry, and that Jake's already been taken by his own granddaughter.**_

_**Take him to a strip party on the Quileute Reservation, and when Jacob gets up there, whisper in Charlie's ear once more that he's already taken. Then take him for a walk around the room, gesturing to the crowd, and assure him that there are plenty more to choose from.**_

_**Send him to Aro for counseling**_

_**Have Edward run up to him, hug him and yell "Daddy!"**_

We looked at the list, satisfied with our work.

"Well, we better get started." I said.

"Let's go!" exclaimed Alice, pulling everyone out the door.

Let the games begin…

**I hope you guys liked that chapter! I've been meaning to write this for a while, but never had the time. Please read and review!!!**

**-CrankyFrenchLady88**


	2. Anything

**Hey Guys! My goodness, it has been SO long since I have updated. I am a freshman in high school this year, and am trying to get used to getting up at 5:30 in the morning to get to the bus stop on time, and the tons of homework we are given each night. But I'm back! I am so happy to be writing again! Here is the chapter, enjoy!!**

**Also I do not own Twilight, YouTube, or Charlie the Unicorn.**

**Chapter 2**

**Emmett POV**

"Number one: ask Charlie if he is secretly a unicorn," I read, "I'll do this first one since I came up with the idea in the first place."

"This will be great!" exclaimed Alice.

"Indeed!" I exclaimed, rubbing my hands together and laughing maniacally.

"Shall we go?" asked Edward.

"We shall." said Alice, smiling evilly.

So, we all hopped in our cars and sped of to Charlie's house.

_**At Charlie's House…**_

I knocked on the door, and Charlie answered.

"Oh, hello Emmett. What brings you here?" he asked.

"Charlie, we need to talk…man to man. May I come in?" I asked.

"Oh! Um…sure. Come on in Emmett."

We both took a seat at the table.

"Well, I don't know how to start Charlie." I said, twiddling my thumbs.

"What's wrong." asked Charlie, looking concerned.

I chuckled to myself. Charlie had no idea!

"Look, we're friends here right?" I asked him.

"Um…I guess?"

"Good, because I'm a bit concerned." I said.

"Concerned?"

"Hey, I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need me." I told him.

"Okay…?"

"Yeah, because were close…like this." I said, entwining my fingers.

"Yeah…"

Charlie cleared his throat and shifted around in his seat nervously.

"You're like the dad I never had." I said.

"What about Carlisle?" He asked me.

_Nice going Emmett, how are you going to fix this one?_ I asked myself. Then I came up with a brilliant idea.

"Well, I think what we share is much, much…_closer._" I whispered into his ear while wrapping my arm around his shoulders.

Poor guy, he looked like he was going into hysterics.

"Um Emmett, please remove your arm from my shoulders." He said in a shaky voice.

"As you wish." I whispered.

Charlie was looking pretty freaked out.

"Anyway, you can trust me…with anything. Even your deepest secrets." I told him.

"Why are you telling me this?" he asked, still a bit shaky from before.

"I have a question for you, and although you may not be comfortable answering, I want you to know you can trust me." I said.

"What is it?" demanded Charlie.

I took a deep, unnecessary breath.

"Are you secretly a unicorn?"

"WHAT?" asked Charlie, who was utterly flabbergasted.

"Is your secret identity Charlie the Unicorn?" I asked.

"You mean that crazy show that everyone is watching on YouTube?" he asked.

"Um…yeah." I said.

"Well I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I am not, nor have I ever been a unicorn." He stated.

"Are you sure? Remember, you can tell me anything, _anything._" I whispered once more.

He shuddered and moved his chair away.

"I swear to you, I am not a unicorn." He said.

"Alright," I said getting up, "but still, we share a special bond that nothing can come between. Not even you being a unicorn."

"I TOLD YOU I AM NOT A UNICORN!" He yelled.

"Whatever you say." I said, smirking.

Then I did the most outrageous thing, just to top it off.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"_Anything._" I whispered, and ran out the door.

Charlie stood there stunned.

I went to find my family who was by the window with a video camera.

"Hahaha! That was priceless!" said Alice, laughing.

"Excellent work, my brother." said Jasper.

"This one's a keeper! I'm putting this on YouTube!" exclaimed Edward, holding up the camera.

"I have to admit, that was pretty funny." said Rosalie, smiling.

"I just hope you didn't scare Charlie too much." said Bella.

"I think I scared him just enough," I said smiling wickedly, "Now, let's go home and put this on YouTube!"

"Alright!" everyone shouted.

"Wait," I said, "Who is going to do the next one?"

"I will!" exclaimed Alice, jumping up and down!

"Okay. You'll do the next one." I told her.

"YES!!" she cried.

Let the games begin…

**Hope you liked that chapter! It feels so nice to write again. I'll try to update my stories more often, but I may get busy so I'm not making any promises. Please read and review.**

**-CrankyFrenchLady88**


	3. Edward the Model

**AN: Hey everybody! I'm back! I just got a new laptop, and guess what that means! I CAN UPDATE MORE OFTEN! Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me. ****Oh, I almost forgot: I do not own Twilight, the song Barbie Girl, Maybelline, or YouTube.**

**-CFL88**

**Chapter 3- Edward the Model**

**APOV:**

I scanned the list to see what I would have to do next. My eyes widened when I found my task: Tell Charlie that Edward wears body glitter. Wow! This is going to be great!

"Alright everyone! It's time for phase two of plan: ATCOOC!" I announced.

"ATCOOC?" asked Edward.

I sighed. My brothers were failures when it came to acronyms.

"It means: Annoy The Crap Out Of Charlie." I explained.

'"Oh!" they all exclaimed.

"Okay. We have approximately 5 hours to get this up and running. Edward, I need you and Bella to go outside." I ordered.

"Why?" asked Bella.

"Because it is your job to take some sexy 'modeling' photos of Edward in the sun." I explained.

"But we'll be exposed!" Edward yelled.

"No we won't." I said, grinning smugly.

"How?" asked Bella, obviously confused.

"Well, our next task on the list of ways to annoy Charlie is to tell him that Edward wears body glitter. So that will be the explanation of the glittering, so no exposure. Be we need proof of Edward's body glitter. That's where the photos come in." I stated.

Edward swiftly pulled me aside; looking at me with pleading eyes.

"Alice, he'll think I'm gay!" he whispered.

"So?" I asked.

"So what will that say about me and Bella being married?" he asked.

All of a sudden, I had a vision. Charlie was screaming at the top of his lungs for Edward to get out of his house. Then Edward began to explain the situation, and Charlie began laughing hysterically.

"Well, we'll have to see what Charlie thinks about this." I said, hiding my thoughts with my favorite song.

"Alice, why are you singing _Barbie Girl _over and over in your head?" Edward asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I like this song." I replied.

"Ugh!" exclaimed an exasperated Edward, as he took Bella's hand and marched out the door.

**One hour later….**

Edward and Bella came home with the pictures.

I took them out and picked the best ones. (link on my profile of the best ones)

Bella handed me a rolled up poster.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Open it!" exclaimed Bella, trying not to laugh.

I unrolled it to see a poster of Edward. But it was the title that made me laugh. It said "GAY SPARKLE" with Edward's face in the middle. Ha!

"I made it as a joke." said Bella, proudly.

I smiled at her, and then proceeded to bring it to my room.

"Alice, what are you doing with that?" asked Edward nervously.

"This is a work of art and must be properly framed!" I exclaimed.

"Alice, no!" Edward cried.

"But it's brilliant and I REALLY want to! Please, please, please, pleeeeaaassse!" I whined.

Edward covered his ears. "Fine! Just stop whining!"

"Thanks!" I said.

"Soooo, now what?" asked Emmett.

"Now it is time to head over to Charlie's!" I exclaimed.

**At Charlie's….**

The family was once again stationed at the window with a video camera.

I knocked on the door twice and Charlie opened it.

"Oh. Hello Alice. How may I help you?" he asked.

"Um, well I have something to tell you." I said, solemnly.

"Oh, okay," said Charlie, looking confused, "come right in."

I took a seat on the couch next to Charlie.

"Well, I don't know how to say this…but I have some news. It's about Edward." I started.

"Did something bad happen?" asked Charlie, trying to look concerned, but not masking the excitement in his eyes. I heard a growl outside. _Sorry Edward, _I thought,_ but you know who his first choice was for Bella. _I heard a sigh and some chuckling; probably from Emmett.

"Well, it has to do with a secret of his." I said.

"I'm all ears." said Charlie, grinning.

"Well…he wears, um, body glitter." I told him.

"He…what?"

"I know it's hard to comprehend, but it's the truth." I said.

"Is he…you know?" asked Charlie.

"I don't know what you're talking about Charlie, but whatever it is, it will have to wait. I have to head home." I said.

"Oh, alright." replied Charlie.

"But here are some of the pictures as proof of the glitter." I said

I slid them towards him, and then I left and went to meet my family.

"See, I told you he thinks I'm gay!" exclaimed Edward.

"Aw, poor Eddy! So confused." said Emmett, putting his hand on Edward's shoulder.

"I am NOT confused! I am straight!" Edward yelled.

"Whatever." said Jasper, grinning smugly.

"Alrighty," I said, "You and Bella should go inside now."

"You mean I have to face him?" asked Edward, horrified.

"Yep, now go!" I commanded.

**CHPOV**

I looked at the pictures one by one. I knew it! I knew he was gay! That means he's just using my daughter as a cover up! How dare he! When he gets here, I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind!

Just then, Edward walked in with Bella.

"Hey, Bells. Edward." I said.

"Hi dad." chirped Bella.

"Hey Bells, could you go upstairs and do some laundry for me?" I asked.

"Sure dad." She replied.

She headed upstairs, tripping a few times, and then I turned to Edward.

"Come here boy!" I barked.

"Yes?" he asked.

"I know your secret." I told him.

"His eyes widened, and he looked towards the window nervously. Then as if someone assured him that nothing was wrong, he turned around, looking calm.

"What secret?" he asked.

"That you're gay and wear body glitter." I said.

"What?" he asked confused.

"Don't play dumb with me! I know everything! How dare you use my daughter as a cover up! Get out of my house!" I yelled.

"Charlie, you have it all wrong. I need to support Bella and Renesmee, and bring in money, so I have a job as a model. Those pictures you have of me are from my latest shoot." Edward explained.

"Which is?" I asked.

"Well, I'm the new male model for Maybelline. I'm modeling their new glitter body powder." He said.

I was shocked. Edward, a model? Ha!

"Hahahaha!" I laughed.

"See, I'm not gay." He said, smiling.

"I guess you're right. Sorry, Edward." I said, still chuckling.

"No problem." he replied.

Then he turned to leave, but then stopped.

He turned around and whispered something in my ear.

"You can keep the photos if you like."

He winked at me and left. OH MY GOD! He winked at me. I need to go lie down.

**APOV**

Edward walked out of the house. We caught the entire thing on tape!

"Edward, that was brilliant!" I cried.

"Thanks!" He said, smiling.

A few seconds later, Bella came out.

"Charlie had to go lie down. He was muttering something about Edward and Maybelline." She said, while looking at Edward questionably.

"It's a long story, love." he answered.

"Let's go home and put this on YouTube!" I exclaimed.

"Alright, but before we do that, who is going to do the next one?" asked Bella.

Just then Jacob came running out of the forest.

"I WILL!" He yelled.

"Alrighty then. Jacob shall do the next one. Now lets go put this on the web!" I cried.

So we all headed home to watch and post Charlie's video.

**I hope you all liked that. Was that long enough for ya'll? It was 7 pages on Microsoft Word. Wow! Please read and review!**

**-CFL88**


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